theshipsdoctorisin-deactivated2:
Geez, really putting my nuggets in a salad shooter here. Fine.
Here is the scenario. Dean is Swedish Pop Star Dane Jensen, lead singer of the pop group Gudtimes, perhaps you are familiar with their chart topper “Tight Blue Jeans”? Sam is Saami Fuksaallaya, Finnish lead singer of the Norwegian Black Metal band Gore Fjord. Their biggest hit to date is “Troll Rape.”
After a cheery ABBA-esque performance one night in Oslo, Norway, Dane gave an interview to the music reporter for the Oslo Dagbladet. He revealed that Saami was actually born in Finland and grew up a poor reindeer farmer. His real name was Jari Padavainen. At 18 he left home and toured the Northern European Wiccan Music festival scene with his pagan folk band “Antler Velvet”. This sparked outrage among the Black Metal community. Saami was a black metal God, and here he had been exposed as a fraud, his reputation was ruined. His death face was now a disgrace face. Saami didn’t know when or where it would happen, but he would have his revenge.
Fast forward 8 months. Gudtimes was at the top of their game. Their latest album had just dropped in America and “Tight Blue Jeans” made its debut at #98 on the billboard top 100. Saami, or Jari as he was known by once again was back in Helsinki. His moment came when he was walking home from his miserable new job at Hesburger and saw a flyer, Gudtimes was playing the Otter festival… tonight! Dane Jensen would die this evening.
That night Saami went to the concert. He nearly vomited from the disdain he felt for this crap called music. “Look at all these smiling faces” he thought. All because of HIM. He looked up at the stage and watched Dane belt out “Tight Blue Jeans” while rhythmically gyrating his Swedish hips with reckless abandon, knowing full well his country’s excellent system of government run health care would reset them if they popped out of place. He felt an odd tingle in his black leather pants. The last encore was “Firecracker Gangbang”. The Swedes took their bows to the respectful and properly behaved crowd and headed backstage. Saami made his move.
After sneaking by the securty guard he made his way down the twisting hallway. After three turns, one left, one right then left again, he found Dane’s dressing room. His rage boiled over. He reared back and kicked the door in, Dane jumped back in surprise at first and then smiled “Jari my friend so good to see you!”
Saami: “How dare you tell that reporter those things with your beautiful Swede mouth Jensen?!?”
Dane: “Your fans deserve the truth!”
Saami: “You know nothing of my fans you filthy lutesfisk eater!”
With that he lunged at Dane, Dane deftly stepped aside and gracefully grabbed a Salt Cod off the craft services table and hit Saami over the head with it. He immediately grabbed him from behind in an effort to subdue him. In the kerfuffle Danes iPod fell on the floor and started playing “Havenless” by Enslaved. Saami stopped his struggles. Tears came to his eyes. He hated this man for months, and now it turns out they were more alike than he could have dreamed.
Saami: “Stop Dane, Stop! I am sorry!”
Dane: “I should be the one to be sorry, I acted like an ignorant Laplander.”
Their eyes met.
Saami: “Tonight I wanted to kill you, now all I want is for you to go lingonberries deep in my hellhole.”
Dane: “I too want that Jari”
And that’s just what happened. Fast forward one year. Dane and Saami started their own band “Alskande” or lovers in Swedish. They spent their days playing accoustic lutes at quaint Stockholm cafes and eating Swedish pancackes. And they never once forgot the lingonberries.
nothingidputbeforeyou 